Ever longing

I long for sandy beaches.
...for rolling mountains and valleys and countrysides.
...for days spent curled up with just a blanket and a good book.
...for understanding.
...to eat candy and cake and never gain a pound.
...for good hair days every day.
...for more time with my best friends.
...for more motivation to run and exercise.
...for a closet filled magically with a new and exciting wardrobe on a regular basis.
...to be a better Christian.
...to travel.
...to be a better person.
...to write something that will touch you.

Good vs. bad

Some days more so than others, I feel my faults and flaws stare me in the face. Some days I just can't hide my shortcomings. I can't push them down or create diversions to distract people from them. They're right there in the open for all the world to see. And I'm exposed for what I really am.

I feel like I've had a lot of those days lately. Like when I'm rude or curt or unfriendly. When my words bite or my actions give away a less-than-happy demeanor. I know immediately I've put something out into the world I shouldn't have. I know I've done something I can't take back. It's like it scrolls in front of my face, writtin in bold script, dancing before me, telling me I've acted in a way I shouldn't.

I want to be a better person. I want to be a kinder, friendlier, more altruistic person. I want people to see the good and not the bad. I want the good in me to far outweigh the bad.

...

I feel uninspired.

Saturday, Sweet Saturday

Love me some Saturday. No work. No place to go. Bliss.

Mel and I had a fun Friday night, consisting of driving out to Pinewood to see if we could find a restaurant there that we (read: I) wanted to try. We found it. It wasn't open. But then we headed back to Sumter (a thrilling drive with my gas light staring at me in bright green), and we settled for dinner at Georgio's. YUM! Way good. Then we rented and watched a movie I've wanted to watch FOREVER: The Big Lebowski. It was ... different.

Then today, we woke up at the crack of dawn. Had some coffee. Then a little bit of early morning yard-saling with Mel, Jamie and Jamie's mom. Then home for more coffee. Must rejuvenate. Waking up at 6 a.m. on Saturday is rough..

Baseball in the summer

In Sumter, during the summer, baseball is king. While in other parts of the world, American Legion baseball is a memory that goes hand in hand with drive-in movie theaters, carhops and soda fountains, it is alive and well in Sumter, S.C.

American Legion ball draws to the ball field the men with white hair -- and no hair -- and the young couples and the moms with children and the teenagers who want to show off in front of their friends. Summer nights in Sumter mean baseball.

Riley Ball Park has seen decades of Sumter's teenaged boys don the signature blue and red uniform of the American Legion Post 15 team -- or as folks in Sumter fondly call them, the P-15's. The park has seen some mighty wins. It's seen enthusiasm and disappointment. Sweat from the brows of hundreds of boys has watered the field of green grass.

The stands hum with conversation, occassional cheers to the batter or jeers to the umpire.

Breezes are few. The air hangs thick with humidity, and fans' skin glows with a summer stickiness they've become accustomed to as South Carolinians. Hair sticks to faces. Cardboard fans rat, tat, tat against the air in front of those flushed faces. Mosquitos and gnats and flies feast on legs barely covered by shorts and t-shirts.

But the heat and the bugs don't matter. When a P-15 hits the ball deep and lands a spot on base, when the bases are loaded or when a streak of blue and red whizzes past home plate, a cloud of dust flying, it's all worth it. The old men, the couples, the moms, the kids, the teens, they all clap and whistle and howl.

The smell of boiled peanuts mixes with the smell of sweat. Peanut shells litter the concrete floor of the stands. Boys and girls tote trays filled with sodas and popcorn through the crowd. And sometimes trips have to be made to the snack bar for hot dogs topped with sauerkraut.

No one's a stranger. Everyone sitting around you is your friend and wants to share with you their enthusiasm about the P-15's, about how things are at work or about how the kids are doing.

In Sumter, Riley Ball Park is abuzz with life in the summertime.

Stories in all of us

Sometimes in the summer, I hate my job because it gets sooo boring. Since I primarily cover education, school being out for the summer = tres very bored Mary. Mary writes lots of filler pieces in the summer.

But sometimes, I get to write about the coolest stuff. And it makes me remember that I really do love my job. This week I got to hang out with our local cobbler (shoe repairman for those not down with the lingo), and he was just the neatest guy. I have always been fascinated by his shop. You walk in it and it just smells like leather and shoe polish. It's the coolest thing. I got to spend a couple of hours just hanging out with this guy and watching him fix broken heels, sew pieces of leather and glue soles together. It was really, really fascinating. He talked to me about how shoe repair shops are a dying business -- as are many specialized mom-and-pop businesses, which made me really sad.

And then yesterday, I got to interview this guy who's 68 years old and digs graves by hand! Who knew that anyone even still did that?? He was the neatest guy and told lots of neat stories about his life. He's seen and done quite a lot in his lifetime -- from boxing in his younger days to getting shot by a family friend! It's the stories like these that I live for and that make me glad to be a writer. It's these people whose stories I long to tell.

Never let me tell you that I don't love what I do.

Not too much longer...

I'm getting increasingly excited about England. I can't believe in less than two months, I will be boarding a plane and a half a day later I'll be landing in London! And from there it'll be off to Peterborough for five weeks of soaking up everything around me. I absolutely cannot wait.

I still feel like there's so much left to be done. I have to purchase some more stuff for our GSE team outfits, I have to buy gifts for my host families, I have to meet more with my team members and finalize all our plans. I'll have to pack like a madwoman. I'll have to get everything situated with work ... SO much to do!

I only hope I can make it the experience it needs to be. I hope I try new things, that I'm able to be open to new experience and that I'm just able take away everything I possibly can from it.

Conclusions from the past few days

I made darned good chocolate icing.

Birthdays are fun, no matter your age. And even when they're not yours.

I'm going to miss my roommate when we part ways in five or six months because she has to go live with a boy.

Dinners at Outback, going to movies, attending baseball games and eating cupcakes never grow old as ways to celebrate.

Reasons to smile

Ya know how some songs just make you happy? Keith Urban's "You Look Good in My Shirt" is one of those for me right now. I know I talk a lot about music, but I really can't help it. Next to writing, music is my next biggest love. And next to writing, it's my next best therapy.

It's there for you when you're giddy, there when you're lost, there for whatever occassion, whatever mood. There's a song for every feeling, every moment in time.

But seriously, this song just makes me smile. It's great. Every time I hear it, I can't help but turn it up. I'm already a huge fan of Keith Urban's, and this song just further solidifies that fandom.

"And maybe it's a little too early
To know if this is gonna work
All I know is you're sure looking
Good in my shirt
That's right
You look good in my shirt"

Notes

I'm becoming my parents. Though I don't drink coffee every day, I could. And on those days that I don't, I'm not really awake. I'm really in a sleepwalking/pseduo-awake state and am only responsive through habit. So if I don't remember a conversation or an event, I'll likely blame it on a lack of coffee. It's amazing the depencies we effortlessly fall into. Ahh, coffee...sweet, sweet caffiene-rushing-through-my-veins addiction.

I've been reading some Nicholas Sparks books, which is much-welcomed easy reading after finally finishing beast-of-a-book Atlas Shrugged. I do feel smarter for having read A.S., however, so no regrets.

Shoes make me happy. I'm highly superficial, I know. My shoe storage thingy is burgeoning with flats and heels and flip flops. And yes, that makes me happy.

I'm trying to figure out whether there are any runs I can do before I go to England. I'm worried about whether I'll be able to run or not while I'm over there. Shannon, who went to Australia last year, said a couple of her team members managed to squeeze in a run from time to time, so that was encouraging. I guess I'll pack my sneakers and shorts and hope for the best. I'd love to do a 5k-10k before I go, but it's not looking like that's going to happen with a fast-filling schedule on the horizon.

The next weeks and months are going to be hella crazy. Wedding prep and festivities with Lee, GSE England team meetings, the beginnings of wedding stuff with Mel, etc., etc.

Songs say it better

Faith Hill -- "Like We Never Loved at All"

You never looked so good
as you did last night,
underneath the city lights,
there walking with your friend,
laughing at the moon.
I swear you looked right through me.
But I'm still living with your goodbye,
and you're just going on with your life.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe thats just your way
of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

You, I hear you're doing fine.
Seems like you're doing well
as far as I can tell.
Time is leaving us behind,
another week has passed
and still I haven't laughed yet.
So tell me, what your secret is
to letting go, letting go like you did,
like you did.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your wayof dealing with the pain,f
orgetting everythingbetween our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

Did you forget the magic?
Did you forget the passion?
Oh, and did you ever miss me,
and long to kiss me?
Oh baby, baby.

Maybe that's just your way
of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all

Meet me:

I am head over heels in love with the written word. I love to write, to read, to conceptualize. My life essentialy revolves around words and grammar and story lines. And I'm okay with that.

I stress entirely too much. All day every day, I'm stressing. About something.

I need love, affection, acceptance.

Wikipedia is my friend. I find myself constanting looking up random stuff and trying to educate myself. I hate not knowing about or understanding a particular subject.

Grease is the best movie ever.

I live in a dream world.

I'm not as smart as I'd like to be.

I have a great many faults: I curse too much. I talk too much. I'm loud at inappropriate times. I forget decorum. I get silly after a few glasses of wine. I'm too judgemental. I'm proud.

I think it's possible to be brainy and brilliant. To know it all and look good in heels.

I'm indecisive.

I long for more.

I surrender all

Even though I believe and know in my heart that I must hand everything over to God, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I want to try to take care of the things going on in my life. Sometimes I want to be proactive, make decisions, be a do-er, a problem-solver.

I have to constantly remind myself that God is in control, and that God being in control is way, way better than what life would be like if I were in control. If I took the reins, my life would be a mess.

But letting go, making a conscious decision to hand a problem, a grief, a burden over to the Lord and ask him to deal with it isn't easy for me.

I often mistakenly feel like I know what's best for me and try to act accordingly. Instead of taking my problems into my own hands, I need to learn to ask for guidance, ask for the words and actions the Lord wants me to impart.

Lord, today I ask you, please take this from me. I no longer want it. I surrender it wholly and completely to you. Do with it what you will. Do with me what you will.

Have me speak and do the things that are your will and that glorify you.

Trying to make sense of the nonsensical

Sometimes I wonder if life is ever supposed to make sense. I find myself concluding that it's not. Which is tough for me, because I like things to make sense. I like to plan, schedule, figure everything out, understand the points, the purposes, the hows, the whys. But the more I experience in this crazy little thing called life, I realize we're not intended to figure it all out. Life is supposed to be a little mysterious. Life is supposed to be fluid, to catch us by surprise.

So it seems I must say 'so long' to my map, my compass, my crystal ball, my magic decoder.

It's a tough lesson to learn, but I know I'm learning it. I know with each day that goes by, I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm becoming more willing to to appreciate the enigma of life.

Stuff that makes me happy

Pouring it out

I’m past the nonstop crying. I’m past the point where I can’t talk about it without erupting into tears. I’m past the point of where it invades my every thought.

But I’m not very far past those points. I still want to cry. I still can’t keep my thoughts on other things for very long.

It’s amazing how difficult a process it is to separate yourself from someone. But it is. How do you go from being “us” to being “me?”

I want him to comfort me. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be all right. I want him to make it better. But he’s the one person who can’t.

I don’t know how to be alone.

Waiting

They say time heals everything. I hope that's true.