Head Full of Thoughts

I prefer Krispy Kreme to Dunkin' Donuts.

I hate being alone.

I'm glad that when I talk to God, I can be sure he's listening.

I like lillies and daisies and wildflowers.

When I was little, I wanted to be a famous singer.

I like winter, because I like to bundle.

I like argyle and houndstooth and checkered patterns.

When I was 9, my best friend and I transformed a huge fallen tree into a Pirates of the Caribbean-esque ship.

I always wished I had curly hair.

The way the world smells when it rains is one of the best scents ever.

I hate doing laundry and ironing.

I hope one day I'll get a chance to travel.

I love holding hands and surprise kisses and the warmth of an embrace.

I'm the girl who can't stop dreaming.

What I Love

I love that our ornaments on our newsroom Christmas tree were hung with paper clips. Seems only appropriate. I forget that fun fact and am reminded each time I help put up or take down the tree.

I love good hair days. They can set the stage for the rest of the day.

I love when the ride to work is commercial free.

I love lunch dates and catch-up phone calls and hot tea in the morning.

I remember

I remember the first time I stayed on the telephone all night with a boy. I tried so hard to keep my voice muffled, but I'm sure my frequent giggles escaped my efforts.

I remember popping popcorn in what now seems like an antique machine. We'd measure out the kernels, pour them in, and then listen to the whir and pop, pop, pop. We'd watch as the fluffy pieces climbed to the top and then coasted down the slide at the lip of the machine into an oversized bowl. Of course we'd then proceed to douse the miniature white clouds with an excessive amount of melted butter. Mmm...

I remember riding my bike down the steepest hill in the neighborhood, the feel of wind and freedom whipping around me, until I reached the bottom, red-faced and exuberant.

I remember the urgency and fever of first love. Feeling like you were walking on air and couldn't breathe and wishing time could stand still. Learning what it felt like to have butterflies flapping their wings in your stomach, trapped and trying to get out.

I remember using my living room for a concert hall, belting out my favorite songs with abandon to an audience of tables and chairs.

I remember the first time I shaved my legs, away from home so mom wouldn't know, with a cheap plastic razor and feeling astonished at how smooth legs could actually be. I wanted so desperately to be grown up.

Why on earth do we all want so desperately to be grown up?

Sunday, Lazy Sunday

Very little rivals a slow, easy start to the day with a hot cup of coffee. Mmm... I think could sit in my pajamas drinking coffee and thinking great thoughts all day long and be perfectly content. Why won't someone pay me to do that?

Post-Christmas Lull

Sometimes to me the days after Christmas feel like the saddest days of the year. The weeks leading up to Christmas create such a euphoric high. And once you reach the pinnacle, well, it seems you can only go downhill from there.

Coming down from the high of the holidays is a task. What do you focus all your time and energy on? And don't get me started about having to stop playing the carols I love so much, taking down the tree and putting away all the decorations until next year.

Quick, somebody send me another beloved holiday to prepare for...

Crossroads

You ever feel like you're at a crossroads in your life? You've come to the intersection and the shiny green rectangle road signs are waiting for you to decide your route? Yeah, I'm definitely at the corner of confused and completely unsure.

The one thing I do know is that 2009 is going to be a pivotal year. Some years go by in a blur of same-ness. Others are life-changing and leave deep markings on the blueprints of your life. '09 is going to be one of those. I can feel it, change is a-comin'.

My 2008 Top Ten Lists

Favorite Songs:
Sugarland "Already There"
Matt Nathanson "Come on Get Higher"
Flo Rida "Low"
Taylor Swift "Love Story"
Daughtry "What About Now"
Jason Mraz "I'm Yours"
Britney Spears "Womanizer"
Katy Perry "Hot 'N Cold"
Beyonce "If I Were a Boy"
T.I. "Whatever You Want"

Favorite Movies:
"Twilight"
"Four Christmases"
"Sex and the City"
"Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist"
"Nights in Rodanthe"
"The Dark Knight"
"Iron Man"
"Eagle Eye"
"What Happens in Vegas"
"27 Dresses"

Celebrities I Couldn't Get Enough Of:
Britney Spears (fo sho)
Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Nettles
Kenny Chesney (went to his summer tour kick-off concert in Columbia!)
Fall Out Boy
Tina Fey
Taylor Swift
Heath Ledger
John Krasinski
Barack Obama (He's a celebrity, right?)

Celebrities I'm Sick Of:
Lindsay Lohan
Brad Pitt
Tom Cruise
Kim Kardashian
Angelina Jolie
Paris Hilton
Madonna
Anyone from The Hills
Amy Winehouse
Disney stars

Stuff I Was Addicted to This Year:
Coffee
Jodi Picoult books
Converse shoes
Sweater dresses
My iPod
Scarves
Nine West
England
Manicures and Pedicures
Sales

Books I Read And Loved This Year:
"Atlas Shrugged"
"My Sister's Keeper"
"Twilight"
"New Moon"
"Eclipse"
"Breaking Dawn"
"Blue Like Jazz"
"Nineteen Minutes"
"Skipping Christmas"
"Sense and Sensibility"

Merry Christmas

Breakfast casserole and apple crisp. Candy canes and coffee. Mmmm. It's Christmas. Eat it up.

It's Beginning to Look at Lot Like Christmas

It's really not beginning to look like Christmas at all, but alas, Christmas is just around the corner. Hard to believe, isn't it? Though the events leading up to Christmas have been fantastic, for me the actual week of Christmas feels very little like Christmas. This Christmas is so strange, so different in so very many ways.

I keep trying to remind myself that different is okay and to find joy in all the places it's so abundant and not focus on the places it seems to be missing.

I have to work on Christmas Day and the day after, but I'm trying -- really I am -- to maintain my Christmas spirit.

Why is Christmas never like it appears in the movies? Perfect families, perfect romances, perfect time spent together...

The way

Show me the way, and I'll go.

I won't hesitate, I won't ask twice, I won't argue. I'll trust. Just show me the way.

Show me what you want me to be. What you expect of me. The person you want me to become.

Just show me the way.

La, la, la

I love butterflies, the ones painted by the brushstroke of nature in vibrant colors and the ones you get in your stomach when you're excited.

I love ice cream. Especially Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip. And Baskin Robbins' Baseball Nut. And almost anything from Brewsters, Cold Stone or Marble Slab. Who am I kidding? I just love ice cream.

I love coffee. When it's warm and flavored and wakes me up and makes me giddy.

I love when the right song comes on at the right moment.

I love snow. Why is it 70 degrees in December?

I love photographs, expressions and moments frozen in time.

I love possibility.

Christmas to-do list

Perform, as part of the choir, in four productions this weekend of "The Answer," Alice Drive Baptist's Christmas play.

Enjoy a weekend visit from my sister, my mother and Mel's sister.

Drive as many times as possible through the BEAUTIFUL light display at Swan Lake.

Drink lots of yummy flavored coffee and hot chocolate.

Enjoy an at-work Christmas party with co-workers on Tuesday. I can only hope that it will hold as much excitement as the Dunder Mifflin Christmas party. "Everyone in this room loves you. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out."

Go to the mountains the weekend before Christmas and hopefully see some snow!

I'm singing in the rain...or not

Today was one of those days I SO wanted to stay in bed, cacooned in my warm, cozy bed. I could have stayed there, happily, all day long. Sleeping. Reading. Listening to the rain beating down on the roof and on the ground and shimmying off the leaves of the trees.

I love the rain. I just hate trying to be productive when it rains. When I'd rather be unproductive, lazy. Just listening to the rain.

Today I'll have to muster extra oomph to try to get my daily tasks accomplished. Everything will be just a teensy bit harder.

Follow the yellow brick road

Just follow the yellow brick road. No big deal. The blindingly fluorescent yellow bricks will lead you in the right direction. But what if there are no yellow bricks? What do you do then?

Follow instinct? Your gut? A certain intuition?

Or, better yet, what if there IS a yellow brick road, but it forks. Then what? Which path do you follow?

Walk down memory lane

Some life events will always have a memory attached to them. For me, one of those -- strange as it may sound -- is getting french toast sticks from Burger King.

This morning -- as happens once in a while -- I got a craving for BK's french toast sticks on my way to work. And so I indulged.

When I was little, my mom and I had a morning ritual of eating breakfast at Burger King before our busy days started. I was four and attending pre-school in Knoxville at a tiny little school on the edge of the University of Tennessee's campus. Both of my parents were going back to school at that time, and my mother would take me to pre-school every day. But first, we'd make a stop at the Burger King on top of the hill.

We'd sit, morning after morning, stuffing our faces with the delectable sugar sticks and talking. I loved those conversations with my mommy. And then she would take my hand and walk me down the hill to school.

Every day seemed a little bit better because of my french toast sticks and my mother's love.

It's Christmas time in the city

The star stands firm in its spot at the top of the Christmas tree. The presents lure and taunt from beneath.

Morning frost paints the earth a glistening mirror.

Lights wind 'round and 'round light poles and stretch across rooftops, twinkling their greeting.

"Santa Baby" and "The Nutcracker" provide the music for every other commercial on television.

All I can think about is hot chocolate and cookies. Ornaments and sleighs. My savior and his birth.

Oh, how I love Christmas.

Is it a sacrifice if I enjoy it?

I think life is about sacrifices. Some are bigger than others, some more monumental, some with greater consequences. Some are easier to make than others. But each day that unfolds carries with it a promise of more sacrifices.

We sacrifice money, time, love, possessions, blood, sweat, tears, ourselves -- in different doses to different people.

We take time away from one person to give to another. We sacrifice ethics, morals, values to get farther in life. We burn bridges just in the nick of time to cling to what's left of them to get to the other side.

We sacrifice health to push ourselves to live longer, more caffienated, Rolodexed lives. We sacrifice marriages in the pursuit of a moment of tantalizing pleasure.

We sacrifice the flat screen TVs and the new sports car for meals for the family and a minivan.

We sacrifice in the form of compromise to please another.

Life is a precarious balance of healthy sacrifices and the ones that slice into who we are and bleed us dry.

If I could, I would

I wish I could be like the earth after a storm, everything washed clean away, everything renewed.

I wish I could be like the flame that dances and tantalizes and jumps and sways so vigorously and then, when it's extinguished, it's forgotten.

I wish I could be like a feather or a leaf floating on the breeze, direction unimportant. No GPS required.

I wish I could be the stream running, pushing, moving toward freedom.

I wish I could be impulsive.

When it comes down to it, I'm the world's most selfish person

I want material things. More shoes. Better clothes. I can't seem to amass enough jeans and heels and and dresses to be satisfied. I fall for the trap of obsessing over name brands. I'm kidding no one; I'm a label whore.

I want to be a better person. Someone you'll like, someone you'll trust, someone you'll turn to. Someone you admire.

I want to get over my insecurities. I want to walk tall, chin up with confidence. I want to be void of all doubts.

I want to be more giving, more altruistic. A better Christian, a better giver of time and resources.

I want the excellent job with the big paycheck. I want the name recognition and the monetary reward.

I want you to think I'm beautiful.

I want to be a mother. I want a housefull of children. I want to be at least a fraction of how good a mother my mother was.

I want it all.

Words of wisdom

Make sure you have all necessary ingredients before embarking on a cooking endeavor.

Laugh. All the time.

Question everything. Some of the time.

Know your audience.

Never decline ice cream. Or a game of Scrabble.

Cherish it all.

I'm thankful...

For family that knows me inside and out and loves me just the same.
For friends who put up with my bipolar, OCD, unstable, obnoxiously loud self.
For rain.
For homecooked meals.
For stories that get told over and over again and never get old.
For health.
For reruns of Friends.
For sweet tea.
For love stories.
For good books, especially ones with happy endings.
For the soundtrack of my life.
For photographs.
For assurance from you.
For life's never-ending surprises.
For movies I can recite by heart (Empire Records, anyone?).
For hope.

Thanksgiving's just around the corner!

What I'm looking forward to:
-Wednesday being the equivalent of Friday at work.
-Going to Raleigh to see my family.
-The super-duper fantastic traffic I'm sure to encounter on I-95. Kidding.
-Making the kick-ass mac and cheese I debuted this past weekend again.
-Laughing with my mother and sister the way only the three of us can -- loudly, frenetically, impulsively, without reason, spontaneously.
-My mom's awesome food.
-Everything else that goes along with Thanksgiving.

Revisiting teenage-dom

When I was a teenager, I let my fear of what others thought get the best of me. I was never cool by anyone’s standards, and I tried desperately to simply not draw attention to myself. I wanted to fly under the radar, unnoticed. I would never have done what I did last night.

Though I’m 25 years old, I let my inner teenager claw its way out from where it had been tucked away for nearly a decade. I donned a hand-painted T-shirt with the words “I love Edward” scrawled across the front and joined some of my favorite people for a midnight showing of teen flick “Twilight” at the cinema. And I had the time of my life, surrounded by giggling, squealing, swooning adolescents and watching ooey-gooey teen love at its finest on the silver screen.

Author Stephanie Meyer has penned four books in the “Twilight” series, and I’ve bought into her vampire/human/werewolf melodrama/romance novels hook, line and sinker. Not the most intellectually-stimulating of reading material, there’s just something raw about them that’s made them my guiltiest of pleasures. Who doesn’t love a good romance? And add the excitement of deadly vampires and werewolves into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for success.

Earlier in the week, I purchased plain white T-shirts, paint and stencils, and I set to work. I unabashedly graffitied them with phrases like “Team Edward,” “Bella Who?” and “#1 Cullen Fan.”

Daily I browsed fan Web sites and the author’s blog. I repeatedly watched trailers for the film. I downloaded the soundtrack on iTunes and listened over and over again. I fed myself with all things “Twilight;” I figure it’s healthy for everyone to indulge in a little frivolity now and again.

And as my best friend and roommate is also a fan -- as are several coworkers, my mother and my sister – the excitement could be shared. By Thursday, I was ready to burst at the seams.

As someone with a steady “big girl” job, staying up late isn’t something I do very well anymore. So Thursday night, my roommate and I stuffed our faces with sugar and coffee. Then we pulled on our T-shirts over top of long-sleeved Ts and we met up with our girly gang.

I screamed and I danced and I yelped for joy when the moment arrived to go to the theater. Once there, we positioned ourselves amidst other “Twilight” fanatics and super-freaks.

And for two hours, I slipped away from real world problems, from work, from bigger issues, and I lusted over sexy Edward Cullen, and I allowed myself to be 15.

Lyrics of the day -- "Decode" by Paramore from the "Twilight" Soundtrack

How can I decide what’s right
When you’re clouding up my mind?
I can’t win your losing fight
All the time

Not gonna ever own what’s mine
When you’re always taking sides
But you won’t take away my pride
No, not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know how

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it’s hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own
(I’m screaming, “I love you so”)
On my own
(My thoughts you can’t decode)

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here? Well, I think I know how
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah
Well, How did we get here?
When i used to know you so well.
I think I know
I think I know

There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true

SO pumped about Twilight!

I'm seriously worse than a starry-eyed, drama-filled teenager. I am SO excited about the premiere of Twilight. I have been furiously reading through the books in the series. I'm on the fourth one and don't know what on earth I'm going to do when I've finished. I'm so consumed with all things Edward and Bella and Jacob that returning to reality is going to prove difficult.

Last week, I proudly purchased tickets to Thursday's midnight showing. Working at a newspaper sometimes has its perks; I learned we were about to run an ad announcing the midnight showing and I hurriedly made my way over to the box office. This is how big a dork I am (as if anyone had any doubt) -- the gal informed me I was the first person to buy any of these tickets. Niiiice.

Stuff to look forward to

Another day, another chance to do something wild and wonderful.

TWILIGHT midnight premiere at midnight Thursday. SO pumped.

A weekend with little in the way of plans.

Thanksgiving. Nothing beats time with family, stuffing yourself with yummy food and just vegging out.

The rest of the holiday season!

I love

The rain. When I get to listen to it. But not when I have to traipse through it.

Coffee. I need it all day, every day.

Weekend plans.

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait

So, I know I'm a ginormous dork, but I am so stoked about the Twilight movie coming out in a week and a half I can hardly stand it. I am devouring the books in the Twilight series. I'm on book three of the four-book series, and I simply cannot get enough of Isabella Swan, Edward Cullen and the whole Cullen clan. LOVE it.

The movie is officially released Friday, Nov. 21, but I'm crossing my fingers I can get tix to the midnight Thurs./Fri. show.

Right now, I love:

Sugarland.
Scarves.
Bundling in general.
That I found the right words for once.
That Christmas commercials have started to air.
Flats.
England.
Uncertainty.
Making plans.

The calm AFTER the storm

Last week was unbelievably crazy. Election, election and more election coverage. Shooting follow-ups. A billion other things. Sigh...

Thank goodness for weekends. I feel like I can finally breathe again. Had a great weekend catching up with old friends and new friends, with trips to Columbia and Myrtle Beach.

This week is good and busy as well, but I'm looking forward to another fantastic weekend! Man, I live for the weekends these days. I love the people in my life that making working for the weekend so very worth it.

I got to cover events our president-elect attended over the past year

"I don't believe in 'I can't'"
Nov. 4, 2007

His voice boomed at all the right times. The crowd jumped to its feet in applause on cue. And though perhaps a small crowd in comparison to some he’s stood before on the campaign trail, the thousand or so gathered in the gymnasium at Morris College for the Sumter NAACP 24th Annual Freedom Fund banquet Friday night to hear keynote speaker U.S. Sen. Barack Obama clearly liked what they heard from the presidential candidate.

The Sumter event, sandwiched between those in Manning and Greenville, left little time for Obama in the Gamecock City. But during his 45-minute address, Obama promised if elected president in 2008 that he would continue to fight for civil rights; would fix an education system that he said isn’t being corrected with the federal No Child Left Behind Act; would make quality health care more accessible to everyone; and would bring an end to the war in Iraq.

And he made clear to those in attendance that he’s in it to win it, stating outright that he isn’t interested in a vice presidency.

Obama said his political journey began as a young man in a quest to help the poor and the struggling, the ones who couldn’t help themselves. He said after earning his law degree from Harvard, he became a civil rights attorney because of the good he hoped to accomplish on that front rather than seeking to practice law in another venue that might have proven more lucrative.

He said that standing on the steps of the Clarendon County Courthouse earlier in the day in the same spot where others stood so many years ago in the early civil rights fight when the Briggs v. Elliott case [--] a predecessor to Brown v. Board of Education [--] came to life reminded him of why he got into politics.

“The problem isn’t that we haven’t made progress,” he said. “The problem is that better isn’t good enough.”

He said as long as there continues to be “Jena justice” and “Scooter Libby justice,” the Civil Rights Movement isn’t over.

He also said his firsthand experience with how unfair and consuming health care and insurance can be has acted as an impetus for him to seek change. As his mother was battling cancer in the 1990s, instead of enjoying the last days until her death, she was busy filling out paperwork and worrying about whether she was covered, he said.
“I know what it’s like to see a loved one suffer.”

And Obama reminded the crowd that he voted against the bill in 2002 that initially gave President George W. Bush the authority to begin a war in Iraq. He said to some, it was an unpopular decision. It was a time when Bush’s national support was about 65 percent.

“I know you all don’t remember; it seems like a long time ago,” he joked.
He said he chose to attend an antiwar rally despite warnings from some that it could damage his future political career.

“(And) I said, ’My political career is not worth me throwing away my integrity,’” he said.

Obama related that some estimates put the cost of the war at its end totaling nearly $2 trillion [--] “with a ’t’” [--] money he said could have been spent elsewhere.
“Think about what we could have done for school construction right here in Sumter,” he said.

Or, he suggested, the money could have gone toward Pell grants for students struggling to afford college.

“What happened to fiscal conservatism?” he asked. “What happened to our priorities?”
While making promises from the podium, Obama also asked Sumter residents to do their part. He encouraged families to set good examples for their children and to be vested in their education. He asked fathers to serve as role models for their sons.
Though he never said her name, he hinted that Hillary Clinton is not the answer for the Democratic ticket. And he headed off the perception that he might accept the second-in-command position instead.

“I’m not interested in being vice president,” he said. “I’m not interested in being secretary of something or other.”

He said throughout his life, he’s been told he couldn’t [--] that he couldn’t get into politics, that he couldn’t be among the first blacks in the U.S. Senate.
“I don’t believe in ’I can’t,’” he said.

“We can narrow that gap between what the world should be and what it is, but each of us has to do our part,” he said.

-------------------

"Fired up, ready to go"
Jan. 24, 2008

Before Illinois Sen. Barack Obama took the floor at the M.H. Newton Family Life Enrichment Center on Manning Avenue on Wednesday, the crowd of supporters that waited nearly three hours for the Democratic presidential candidate’s arrival kept itself energized by cheering, chanting, clapping and singing.

Those in attendance were there by way of e-tickets issued to supporters registered to Obama’s online mailing list. They filled seats early and broke the silence often chanting what’s become Obama’s campaign catch phrase: "fired up and ready to go" or cheering "2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? Obama!" They even changed the words to songs that played over loudspeakers; "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" became "Obama, Obama, we’re ready in ’08."

Dr. Brenda Williams introduced Obama to the crowd of about 500 that included international media. "Who are we here for today?" she asked. "A man with standards." Williams said he stands for "honesty, truth, justice, family (and) he is a God-fearing man."

After Williams’ boisterous introduction, Obama emerged from a black curtain to the sounds of U2 booming through the center.

"I’m fired up now," he said. "Are you fired up, ready to go?"

Cameras flashed throughout the room as Obama instructed the standing crowd to have a seat.
Obama referenced his most recent visit to Sumter when he spoke at Morris College in November and said he was glad to be back. He thanked supporters in attendance who have campaigned for him in Sumter, including state Rep. David Weeks, D-Sumter, and former state Supreme Court Chief Justice Ernest Finney, as well as state Sen. Phil Leventis, D-Sumter, who was not in attendance.

He also expressed his gratitude to Williams. "The only problem with Dr. Williams, she’s a little shy," he joked. "She doesn’t like to speak up and let folks know what she’s thinking."

After warming up the crowd and getting it laughing, Obama had its attention for the remainder of his 50-minute speech.

A large banner hanging over a portion of the crowd proclaimed "Change we can believe in," and Obama, as he and his Democratic opponents have in recent months, focused on the idea of change. Change in diplomacy and war efforts, change in the health care system, change in education, change in the economy and change when it comes to the use of energy sources were all addressed.

He said the need for these changes is what made him decide to announce his candidacy almost a year ago.

"I decided to run because of what Dr. (Martin Luther) King referred to as the fierce urgency of now," he said.

Obama pledged to transform the United States into a country well-respected by and on better terms with the rest of the world. He promised to bring troops home from fighting in Iraq, a war he said never made sense.

He also told the crowd he wants a new health-care system, one that allows people to keep health-care plans they might already have and want to maintain but would make available health care for others to buy into affordably.

He referenced the federal No Child Left Behind Act, put into place by current president George Bush, and said he would bring about the changes to education that No Child Left Behind has not. He said he’d ensure higher salaries for teachers, newer school facilities and early childhood education available to all.

Despite the serious nature of the promises he made, he inserted moments of lighthearted banter throughout, including a chant from time to time with the crowd that regardless of the election outcome there’d be "No Bush, No Cheney."

"So whatever happens, no Bush," he said.

Obama requested the crowd’s support on Election Day.

"South Carolina, your vote really matters this time," he said.

Why I voted

Because I'm American.
Because I wanted to make a difference.
Because I believe somehow, some way that my vote counts, even if only infinitesimally.
Because I dare to have hope.
Because there are so many who can't.
Because I want to be able to bitch if things don't go my way.
Because it's my birthright.
Because you didn't.
Because I care.
Because I have two legs, a mind, a heart, fingers aching to hit the "Vote" button and a gut instinct that tells me I should.
Because I don't want you telling me what to do.
Because I can.

I voted! I have the sticker to prove it.

Tomorrow's Election Day!

I don't think of myself as any P. Diddy "Rock the Vote" go-and-vote fanatic. But with this election, I really do find myself getting really excited. Excited at the historical nature of the election. Excited that so many people are registering and are voting early and are planning to vote tomorrow. Excited about the prospect of change (with either candidate!). This is such an important, instrumental election for our country.

I can't wait to cast my vote!

Another fantastic weekend

I'm so lucky. I have SUCH amazing people in my life. This, in turn, leads to amazing times spent with those amazing people. Ergo (I LOVE that word!), another fantabulous weekend.

So, Friday was Halloween. Which I love. A lot. I'm always on board whenever there's an excuse to dress up. Mel and I resurrected our Halloween shindig from years gone by and invited a few people over. Much merriment ensued. Graveyard Crunch and Monster Fingers and mice made of pears made for a perfect Halloween menu, and there was a spectacular array of costumes at which to be amused.

After a couple of hours' worth of eating and laughs at our place, the party moved to downtown, where there were people and costumes galore. It's always fun to see your friends dressed up.

Then Saturday, I got a surprise phone call/lunch request from Charles, whom -- other than a brief while at Lee's wedding -- I haven't seen in ages. So, I met Charles and Jen for lunch in Columbia. Was SO good to catch up with them. Then I delivered Lee her wedding photos, since I'd picked them up for her. Then, I decided to call up Jeff and see how he's doing these days. Met up and caught up on the last three years -- okay, not quite that long, but you get the point. After that it was back to the house to watch the Vols get killed.

Not too shabby for one little weekend.

<

Here's to the first cup of coffee

Ugh, there's nothing I hate more than morning eye crusties. On me or on anyone else. Except for maybe ear wax. Blech. Or boogers. Okay, okay, I don't like any hanging, protruding or otherwise obvious morsels of uncleanliness. I'm an advocate of personal hygiene, all right?

Man, there's nothing worse than getting to work thinking you cleaned up well at home and then looking in the mirror for the first time after getting there and realizing you have MAJOR eye crusties or hair going in 10 different directions or lint-covered pants.

Happy Thursday!

To Do List

Wake up.
Make it through another work day. And another work week. And another work month.
Find a job that will make me rich. Or at least rich-er. Even just a little bit.
Find all the answers.
Finish reading the Bible.
Orchestrate a running schedule again. And stick to it.
Don't get fat over Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Make plans.
Don't go crazy. Er.
Get over my fears.
Find and fall in love -- "real, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love" a la Sex and the City.
Become a better person.

I left my heart in Tennessee

I forgot how much I've missed my home state. I went back to my old stomping grounds for the first time in seven years this weekend. And I realized more than ever, there's just something about the Big Orange State that makes me happy.

I've missed the rolling countryside and the mountains. I've missed the vibrant array of fall colors. I've missed being in Tennessee on game day when any public gathering is a sea of Volunteer orange. I've missed the Tennessee/Alabama rivalry and the "Beat Bama!" signs. I've missed Knoxville and UT's campus, where I spent many a day as a child while both my parents were going back to school. I've missed seeing Neyland Stadium and the Sunsphere and other notable Knoxville buildings. I've missed the accent. I've missed the people.

I've missed the familiarity of it all...

Song Lyrics

I love this song by matchbox twenty.

Last Beautiful Girl

This will all fall down like
everything else that was
This too shall pass
and all of the words we said
We can't take back

Now every fool in town would've left by now
I can't replace all the wasted days
The memory of your face - can't help thinkin'

Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together
Where would we be
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were giving me
Here's what I'm thinking

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

Tell me one more time
How you're sorry about the way
This all went down - you needed to find your space

You needed to still be friends
Needed me to
Call you if I ever couldn't keep it all together you'd comfort me
Tell me but forever
And the promises I never should have believed in
Here's what I'm thinking

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

It's over now - and I've gone without
Cuz you're everybody else's girl
It seems to me - you'll always be
Everyone else's girl
Everyone else's girl

This will all fall down
Like everything in the world
This too must end
And all the words we said
We can't take back

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last...

It won't be the first - heart that you break
It won't be the last - beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked - won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
The last beautiful girl in the world
You are the last beautiful girl in the world
Beautiful girl

Completely Disjointed

Is it too much to ask that I might change the world someday?

I feel powerful in heels and a sweater.

You make me angry when you ignore me.

I have too many thoughts running through my mind in a marathon race against one another at a 100 miles an hour to ever fully make sense of it all. Is that a bad thing?

I used to be famous for procrastination, but I don't think that's so anymore. I hate the nagging feeling of knowing there are things on my never-ending chain of yellow post-it to-do lists waiting to be done.

I live with a constant soundtrack playing itself out in my mind every day. Sometimes when I make faces and don't mean to, it's because of the song at that moment.

Recipe for the day

Plan, plan, plan. Stress.
Write, write, write. Stress.

Talk, think, answer phone, answer e-mail. Go crazy.

Reassuring words

I woke up several days while I was in England with this song in my head. I heard it today on the way to work. There's something so reassuring in the words.

"My chains are gone. I've been set free.
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood, His mercy rains.
Unending love. Amazing grace."

Weekend Summary

It was my first full weekend back in the States, and it reminded of just how lucky I am. I have such terrific people in my life, which leads to terrific time spent with those people.

I spent the first part of the weekend with Mel and her family, celebrating her upcoming nuptuals. I always love visiting her family, as their kindness and zaniness reminds me of my own family.

Then Saturday night, Mel and I -- with Kate in tow as well! -- took part in an annual ritual of going to Scream Acres, our favorite Halloween haunted house and hay ride. What fun, what fun. Nothing beats standing in newly-cool temperatures under an umbrella of a dark, starry night and getting scared by ghosts and goblins!

Some highlights from the weekend:
Eating the flavorful foods at Mel's family's MeatFest party Friday night.
Wandering around downtown Cheraw. And eating mini donuts. Yum.
Dressing up and going to a bridal shower tea party.
Feeling cold for the first time this season.
Realizing the holidays are soon upon us!

Philosophizing

How do you give all you have when you have nothing else to give?

How do you say all the right things when the only things left to say are wrong?

How do you plan for what's to come when plans inevitably fail?

Who's to say what the answers are?

Readjusting

After a four-week whirlwind tour of England, I'm trying to reacclimate to my normal day to day. It's a bit like being a politican out campaigning 24/7 for an entire month and then trying to wind down from the dizziness. It's a strange juxtaposition, four weeks of life in the fast lane in England and then normal work and home life.

After my trip, I now have a newfound appreciation for:
-English accents
-The guards at Buckingham palace
-Scones, topped with clotted cream and jam, of course
-Adding milk to tea
-Rugby
-Rolling countryside, dotted with sheep
-Yorkshire pudding
-Royalty
-Village greens
-Cobblestone streets

Back in the U.S. of A.

After a month in England, I'm back in the States -- glad and sad at the same time! What a whirlwind four weeks it was.

Essentials

Can't leave town without:
-A book. Thank goodness for the Twilight series and my addiction to the teen fantasy/romance books.
-Snacks. Lord knows I have to have my snacks. I graze on the contents of my snack drawer all day long. A little trip to England isn't gonna get the way of my snackage.
-My cherry chapstick. Don't worry, I've bought extras.
-A journal. Gotta document my journey. A journey journal. HA.
-iPod. Music, sweet music.
-LOTS of clean underwear. Can't have enough. Didn't momma always say to make sure to wear your best underwear in case you get in an accident? I'm sure that applies to plane travel as well.

A glimpse at my world right now

Packing my life into four weeks' worth of luggage and contents.
Doing laundry.
Doing dry cleaning.
Remembering I need something from Wal-Mart. Going to the madhouse that is Wal-Mart to purchase said trip necessity.
Packing some more.
Walking about in a daze, trying to concentrate on the ten bazillion things I still have to do at work.
Not being successful at concentrating on much of anything, except for the fact that I'm flying into LONDON on Friday.
Remembering something else I forgot from Wal-Mart and desperately need. Facing the crowds once again.
Packing some more.
Weighing my luggage. Being pleasantly surprised I haven't surpassed weight limits.
Realizing my head is swimming and my stomach is in knots with anticipation.
Forgetting to breathe.
Remembering that life is freakin awesome, and I'm unbelievably blessed.

Immediate to-do list

-Finish doing laundry, so I'll have clean stuff to wear this wedding weekend. Clean stuff to wear is always a plus.
-Decide on a dress to wear to Friday's rehearsal. Decide on a backup dress. You can never have too many dresses.
-Decide what shoes to wear with chosen dress. I know, I've got some WEIGHTY decisions to make.
-Pack.
-Say a prayer Hanna and her pals Ike and Josephine stay far, far away.
-Get up at the buttcrack of dawn on Friday to drive to Spartanburg. Gotta get there early to get manis, pedis and try to help keep poor Lee sane!

Inadaquacies

We all have areas we feel we fall short; it's only human nature. But what if you feel inadequate with the thing you're supposed to do best? I'm supposed to be a writer, but at times, I feel I fall so short of the mark. I want to be one of those writers whose words leap from the paper, paint a picture, draw a reader in and leave them begging for more. I find myself lusting after the words and phrases of other writers, better writers, longing to be as effective with the written word as they are. I've heard of envying another for their looks, their money, their possessions, but who knew there could talent envy?

I study the way other people write. I read certain journalists, certain authors regularly, and I try to take cues from them. I certainly don't want to thieve someone else's style, but I hope to take elements from those I admire and create my own. I long for a writing style, one that's all my own, one that people can recognize as Mary's signature writing voice. And then I want people to crave my words like I crave the words of those whom I think have figured it out. I want you to love my words as much as I do.

Countdown continues

Ten days and I'll be boarding a ginormous airplane bound for London! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

Instructions to avoid spontaneous combustion

Breathe in. Breathe out. Unknot entanglement in stomach. Breathe more. Close eyes.

England countdown and checklist

T minus 16 days until I go to England. I seriously could not be more excited. I find myself in a constant state of planning/fretting. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to make checklists, organize, schedule, etc. So really, even though I'm living in a constant state of panic right now, like folks eating their Quarter Pounder with cheese from McDonald's, I'm lovin' it. I knew going into this it was going to be a daunting, time-consuming experience. I keep worrying that I'm going to get to the airport and realize I've left something essential behind: the good ol' passport, my money, my sanity. Oh well.

I've already begun packing (go figure). Checklist so far:
-One suitcase large enough to hide away a small village.
-Gifts for my host families.
-Rotary banners and other Rotary paraphernalia, (I love that word.)
-My team uniforms. (Yes, we have to wear a uniform. Isn't that cute?)
-Essentials like razors and deoderant (Shoot, a girl wants to look and smell good, ok??)
-A little back dress.
-Enough Cherry flavored chap stick to last me until the end of time. Or at least for the month I'll be gone.

Some words of wisdom

Nevermind. I don't have any.

Recap of my weekend in Raleigh

-Two whole days in the big red house with the fam in Raleigh = much needed.
-Purchased everything I could possibly need for my trip to England, cleaning out Target and Old Navy. I hope their restockers come quickly.
-Still love mom's French toast.
-My sister kicks butt.
-Lessons learned from going to a free concert downtown with my sister: Remember where you park the car. That info will come in extremely handy later. And yes, even Raleigh has rednecks. Squeezed into Morris Square with about 9,472 of them. I had the dirty flip flop feet to prove it.
-I love Krispy Kreme almost more than life itself. So wish we had one here.
-Visiting my sister's dorm makes me wish I was in college again. Sort of.

Under pressure

Do this, do that. Go here, go there. Say the right things. Play the part. No pressure. Everyone's watching, and everyone's waiting. For you to succeed or for you to fail. For you to excel or blow it. So much riding on every single move. So much, so much, so much...

Woke up with a song in my head

I literally woke up humming a song this morning -- a powerful one we sing once in a while at church called "Come to Jesus." It's amazing and inspiring, and it was a wonderful song to have in my head first thing this morning.

I think it was the Lord's way of telling me it was time to get back to my morning runs. I hadn't run in two or three weeks for a variety of reasons: numerous morning and night commitments, crazy weekends, a cold. But this morning I woke up at just the time I like to wake up in order to go for a run before work. And that song was in my head. So I listened. And I ran.

And by the end of my run, the sun was coming up, a brillant shade of pink in the sky, and I could so easily see the Lord's beauty all around me.

Stuck in my head

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God, He was; my God, He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Keys

The following are time-tested and reporter-approved keys to making it through horrendously boring meetings:
-Make sure there's food. Curing those hunger pangs while simultaneously being able to enjoy the bliss of everyone shutting up for a bit is unbeatable.
-Bring reinforcements. My typical cache consists of water, coffee, candy, gum, cell phone in case you get a chance to send "save me!" text messages.
-Envision everyone's naked. No wait, that's for another situation.
-Practice typing really fast. The looks of disdain are worth it.
-Perfect the art of hair twirling.
-Make your weekly to-do list in your mind.
-Daydream.
-Decide who of the meeting attendees would win in a cage match.
-Decide who's the biggest partier of the bunch.
-Create life scenarios for everyone. ... i.e. Louisa is probably a crazy cat lady and lives in a house with secret mazes ...
-Laugh at everything everyone says.

Contentment

I'm following the yellow brick road from a ramshackle existence to a storybook of pop-up pages filled with exciting twists and turns. Meet you at the other side?

I can tell I'm growing up and embracing adulthood when I can say with conviction how much I'm truly beginninng to love life's unpredictability. It's so uncertain, so topsy turvy. It's really pretty fabulous. As Forrest says, you never know what you're gonna get. Might be a piece of bitter dark chocolate. Might be the tongue-tinglingest milk choclate you've ever tasted. That's pretty freakin sweet.

Song du jour

My favorite song right now. Coldplay's Viva La Vida. Listen to it. Love it. I do.


I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world
(Ohhh)

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
(Ohhhhh Ohhh Ohhh)

Away, away, away

Apologies (to anyone who actually reads this) for being so negligent in updating. Part of my excuse is spending a weekend away in the mountains, disconnected from technology, disconnected from the world. Pure, unadulterated bliss. I want to go back.

Must-haves

To keep me going on a daily bases, I need:
-lots and lots of water
-constant access to my cell phone
-words of affirmation
-to laugh on multiple occassions
-caffiene
-chap stick
-Internet
-snacks from the snack drawer
-more water
-to update my yellow sticky notes multiple times
-to listen to some good tunes
-and my usual dose of Facebooking

Pretty standard, n'est pas?

And so it goes

I feel a lump in my throat, a hesitance in my speech. I feel tightening in my chest. I feel heaviness upon my shoulders. I feel a sense of dread course through me. Simultaneously, a sense of confusion, of unknowing, of apprehension, of wistfulness.

Why?

Ever longing

I long for sandy beaches.
...for rolling mountains and valleys and countrysides.
...for days spent curled up with just a blanket and a good book.
...for understanding.
...to eat candy and cake and never gain a pound.
...for good hair days every day.
...for more time with my best friends.
...for more motivation to run and exercise.
...for a closet filled magically with a new and exciting wardrobe on a regular basis.
...to be a better Christian.
...to travel.
...to be a better person.
...to write something that will touch you.

Good vs. bad

Some days more so than others, I feel my faults and flaws stare me in the face. Some days I just can't hide my shortcomings. I can't push them down or create diversions to distract people from them. They're right there in the open for all the world to see. And I'm exposed for what I really am.

I feel like I've had a lot of those days lately. Like when I'm rude or curt or unfriendly. When my words bite or my actions give away a less-than-happy demeanor. I know immediately I've put something out into the world I shouldn't have. I know I've done something I can't take back. It's like it scrolls in front of my face, writtin in bold script, dancing before me, telling me I've acted in a way I shouldn't.

I want to be a better person. I want to be a kinder, friendlier, more altruistic person. I want people to see the good and not the bad. I want the good in me to far outweigh the bad.

...

I feel uninspired.

Saturday, Sweet Saturday

Love me some Saturday. No work. No place to go. Bliss.

Mel and I had a fun Friday night, consisting of driving out to Pinewood to see if we could find a restaurant there that we (read: I) wanted to try. We found it. It wasn't open. But then we headed back to Sumter (a thrilling drive with my gas light staring at me in bright green), and we settled for dinner at Georgio's. YUM! Way good. Then we rented and watched a movie I've wanted to watch FOREVER: The Big Lebowski. It was ... different.

Then today, we woke up at the crack of dawn. Had some coffee. Then a little bit of early morning yard-saling with Mel, Jamie and Jamie's mom. Then home for more coffee. Must rejuvenate. Waking up at 6 a.m. on Saturday is rough..

Baseball in the summer

In Sumter, during the summer, baseball is king. While in other parts of the world, American Legion baseball is a memory that goes hand in hand with drive-in movie theaters, carhops and soda fountains, it is alive and well in Sumter, S.C.

American Legion ball draws to the ball field the men with white hair -- and no hair -- and the young couples and the moms with children and the teenagers who want to show off in front of their friends. Summer nights in Sumter mean baseball.

Riley Ball Park has seen decades of Sumter's teenaged boys don the signature blue and red uniform of the American Legion Post 15 team -- or as folks in Sumter fondly call them, the P-15's. The park has seen some mighty wins. It's seen enthusiasm and disappointment. Sweat from the brows of hundreds of boys has watered the field of green grass.

The stands hum with conversation, occassional cheers to the batter or jeers to the umpire.

Breezes are few. The air hangs thick with humidity, and fans' skin glows with a summer stickiness they've become accustomed to as South Carolinians. Hair sticks to faces. Cardboard fans rat, tat, tat against the air in front of those flushed faces. Mosquitos and gnats and flies feast on legs barely covered by shorts and t-shirts.

But the heat and the bugs don't matter. When a P-15 hits the ball deep and lands a spot on base, when the bases are loaded or when a streak of blue and red whizzes past home plate, a cloud of dust flying, it's all worth it. The old men, the couples, the moms, the kids, the teens, they all clap and whistle and howl.

The smell of boiled peanuts mixes with the smell of sweat. Peanut shells litter the concrete floor of the stands. Boys and girls tote trays filled with sodas and popcorn through the crowd. And sometimes trips have to be made to the snack bar for hot dogs topped with sauerkraut.

No one's a stranger. Everyone sitting around you is your friend and wants to share with you their enthusiasm about the P-15's, about how things are at work or about how the kids are doing.

In Sumter, Riley Ball Park is abuzz with life in the summertime.

Stories in all of us

Sometimes in the summer, I hate my job because it gets sooo boring. Since I primarily cover education, school being out for the summer = tres very bored Mary. Mary writes lots of filler pieces in the summer.

But sometimes, I get to write about the coolest stuff. And it makes me remember that I really do love my job. This week I got to hang out with our local cobbler (shoe repairman for those not down with the lingo), and he was just the neatest guy. I have always been fascinated by his shop. You walk in it and it just smells like leather and shoe polish. It's the coolest thing. I got to spend a couple of hours just hanging out with this guy and watching him fix broken heels, sew pieces of leather and glue soles together. It was really, really fascinating. He talked to me about how shoe repair shops are a dying business -- as are many specialized mom-and-pop businesses, which made me really sad.

And then yesterday, I got to interview this guy who's 68 years old and digs graves by hand! Who knew that anyone even still did that?? He was the neatest guy and told lots of neat stories about his life. He's seen and done quite a lot in his lifetime -- from boxing in his younger days to getting shot by a family friend! It's the stories like these that I live for and that make me glad to be a writer. It's these people whose stories I long to tell.

Never let me tell you that I don't love what I do.

Not too much longer...

I'm getting increasingly excited about England. I can't believe in less than two months, I will be boarding a plane and a half a day later I'll be landing in London! And from there it'll be off to Peterborough for five weeks of soaking up everything around me. I absolutely cannot wait.

I still feel like there's so much left to be done. I have to purchase some more stuff for our GSE team outfits, I have to buy gifts for my host families, I have to meet more with my team members and finalize all our plans. I'll have to pack like a madwoman. I'll have to get everything situated with work ... SO much to do!

I only hope I can make it the experience it needs to be. I hope I try new things, that I'm able to be open to new experience and that I'm just able take away everything I possibly can from it.

Conclusions from the past few days

I made darned good chocolate icing.

Birthdays are fun, no matter your age. And even when they're not yours.

I'm going to miss my roommate when we part ways in five or six months because she has to go live with a boy.

Dinners at Outback, going to movies, attending baseball games and eating cupcakes never grow old as ways to celebrate.

Reasons to smile

Ya know how some songs just make you happy? Keith Urban's "You Look Good in My Shirt" is one of those for me right now. I know I talk a lot about music, but I really can't help it. Next to writing, music is my next biggest love. And next to writing, it's my next best therapy.

It's there for you when you're giddy, there when you're lost, there for whatever occassion, whatever mood. There's a song for every feeling, every moment in time.

But seriously, this song just makes me smile. It's great. Every time I hear it, I can't help but turn it up. I'm already a huge fan of Keith Urban's, and this song just further solidifies that fandom.

"And maybe it's a little too early
To know if this is gonna work
All I know is you're sure looking
Good in my shirt
That's right
You look good in my shirt"

Notes

I'm becoming my parents. Though I don't drink coffee every day, I could. And on those days that I don't, I'm not really awake. I'm really in a sleepwalking/pseduo-awake state and am only responsive through habit. So if I don't remember a conversation or an event, I'll likely blame it on a lack of coffee. It's amazing the depencies we effortlessly fall into. Ahh, coffee...sweet, sweet caffiene-rushing-through-my-veins addiction.

I've been reading some Nicholas Sparks books, which is much-welcomed easy reading after finally finishing beast-of-a-book Atlas Shrugged. I do feel smarter for having read A.S., however, so no regrets.

Shoes make me happy. I'm highly superficial, I know. My shoe storage thingy is burgeoning with flats and heels and flip flops. And yes, that makes me happy.

I'm trying to figure out whether there are any runs I can do before I go to England. I'm worried about whether I'll be able to run or not while I'm over there. Shannon, who went to Australia last year, said a couple of her team members managed to squeeze in a run from time to time, so that was encouraging. I guess I'll pack my sneakers and shorts and hope for the best. I'd love to do a 5k-10k before I go, but it's not looking like that's going to happen with a fast-filling schedule on the horizon.

The next weeks and months are going to be hella crazy. Wedding prep and festivities with Lee, GSE England team meetings, the beginnings of wedding stuff with Mel, etc., etc.

Songs say it better

Faith Hill -- "Like We Never Loved at All"

You never looked so good
as you did last night,
underneath the city lights,
there walking with your friend,
laughing at the moon.
I swear you looked right through me.
But I'm still living with your goodbye,
and you're just going on with your life.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe thats just your way
of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

You, I hear you're doing fine.
Seems like you're doing well
as far as I can tell.
Time is leaving us behind,
another week has passed
and still I haven't laughed yet.
So tell me, what your secret is
to letting go, letting go like you did,
like you did.

How can you just walk on by
without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your wayof dealing with the pain,f
orgetting everythingbetween our rise and fall
like we never loved at all.

Did you forget the magic?
Did you forget the passion?
Oh, and did you ever miss me,
and long to kiss me?
Oh baby, baby.

Maybe that's just your way
of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything
between our rise and fall
like we never loved at all

Meet me:

I am head over heels in love with the written word. I love to write, to read, to conceptualize. My life essentialy revolves around words and grammar and story lines. And I'm okay with that.

I stress entirely too much. All day every day, I'm stressing. About something.

I need love, affection, acceptance.

Wikipedia is my friend. I find myself constanting looking up random stuff and trying to educate myself. I hate not knowing about or understanding a particular subject.

Grease is the best movie ever.

I live in a dream world.

I'm not as smart as I'd like to be.

I have a great many faults: I curse too much. I talk too much. I'm loud at inappropriate times. I forget decorum. I get silly after a few glasses of wine. I'm too judgemental. I'm proud.

I think it's possible to be brainy and brilliant. To know it all and look good in heels.

I'm indecisive.

I long for more.

I surrender all

Even though I believe and know in my heart that I must hand everything over to God, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I want to try to take care of the things going on in my life. Sometimes I want to be proactive, make decisions, be a do-er, a problem-solver.

I have to constantly remind myself that God is in control, and that God being in control is way, way better than what life would be like if I were in control. If I took the reins, my life would be a mess.

But letting go, making a conscious decision to hand a problem, a grief, a burden over to the Lord and ask him to deal with it isn't easy for me.

I often mistakenly feel like I know what's best for me and try to act accordingly. Instead of taking my problems into my own hands, I need to learn to ask for guidance, ask for the words and actions the Lord wants me to impart.

Lord, today I ask you, please take this from me. I no longer want it. I surrender it wholly and completely to you. Do with it what you will. Do with me what you will.

Have me speak and do the things that are your will and that glorify you.

Trying to make sense of the nonsensical

Sometimes I wonder if life is ever supposed to make sense. I find myself concluding that it's not. Which is tough for me, because I like things to make sense. I like to plan, schedule, figure everything out, understand the points, the purposes, the hows, the whys. But the more I experience in this crazy little thing called life, I realize we're not intended to figure it all out. Life is supposed to be a little mysterious. Life is supposed to be fluid, to catch us by surprise.

So it seems I must say 'so long' to my map, my compass, my crystal ball, my magic decoder.

It's a tough lesson to learn, but I know I'm learning it. I know with each day that goes by, I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm becoming more willing to to appreciate the enigma of life.

Stuff that makes me happy

Pouring it out

I’m past the nonstop crying. I’m past the point where I can’t talk about it without erupting into tears. I’m past the point of where it invades my every thought.

But I’m not very far past those points. I still want to cry. I still can’t keep my thoughts on other things for very long.

It’s amazing how difficult a process it is to separate yourself from someone. But it is. How do you go from being “us” to being “me?”

I want him to comfort me. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be all right. I want him to make it better. But he’s the one person who can’t.

I don’t know how to be alone.

Waiting

They say time heals everything. I hope that's true.

Randomness

My wonderful roommate is engaged! I'm so excited! Rick proposed to Mel on Sunday, the day after Mel's twin sister Kate's wedding. This past weekend was wedding-themed for sure. Patrick and I attended two weddings on Saturday, and then Mel and Rick capped the weekend off with the big proposal on the beach and the BEAUTIFUL ring.

I really could watch Friends every day and never grow tired of it. Right now I'm on Season 5, following the wedding drama of Ross saying the wrong name. Aaahhh, good stuff.

It's only June and it's already entirely too hot. It's getting in the way of me running as regularly as I should.

I'm nearly done with the book I've been reading forever. Ugh, I can't wait to move onto something else.

I tried to post this when it was actually raining, but failing Internet wouldn't allow it

I love the sound of rain.

I love the sound of rain almost more than any other. For me, it's therapeutic, it's reassuring. I love a steady, pounding rain that pours down as though it'll never end. I love the sound as the rain, indistinguishable as individual drops, hits the roof, the trees, the blacktop.

I don't know why exactly, but it's comforting to me. I feel safe at home with the world being showered outside. The wind picking up. The sound of thunder in the distance. The sound of water splashing.

It's like a cleansing breath. The rain washes away the dirt, the grime, the sins, the mistakes of the day. It’s renewal.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

We get so ingrained in our daily routines, our lives become habitual. Our days operate like clockwork. We talk about our bad habits, the things we do that come so naturally to us that we wish didn't. And, perhaps less frequently, we talk about good habits. But the way we live, in fact, becomes one big habit.

We all fall into the trap of habitiual motion. We're caught off guard by the slightest differences, the slightest upsets in the routine.

This morning, I felt a sense of unease because traffic was lighter than usual on my way to work. I felt eerily alone on the streets for my morning drive. It was a change from what I'm used to.

I leave my house for work at the same time every day. I travel the same route. The traffic is always the same. I go to the same building for work. I think the same morning thoughts as I punch the code to the back door. I sit down at the same desk, open up the same laptop and begin the same day. I have it practically down to science. I check my e-mail and get caught up on world news and celebrity gossip (we all have our vices). I spend the first bit of my day easing into my day. Then comes the exchanging of e-mails and the phone calls. I flip through my post-it note to-do lists and typically add on to them. I conduct interviews, I research, I write. At about the same times every day, I feel the hunger pangs that drive me to raid my snack drawer or compel me to eat lunch.

I felt a sense of dread this morning when I realized how monotonous my life had become that fewer cars on the road caused me to do a double take. Sometimes I forget that change can be good, spontaneity can be good, straying from the norm can be good. Sometimes you just need to drive a different route, listen to a different radio station, think outside the box. Don't let life become a habit.

Thank goodness for lazy weekends

For the first time in a while, I didn't have to go anywhere this weekend and had virtually no plans. But that's not to say my weekend went without accomplishments:
-went on two runs
-tried a new recipe
-made a nice-sized dent in the book I'm reading
-saw What Happens In Vegas and LOVED it

Happy Birthday to Me (a few days late)

Yes, I wore a tiara for my birthday lunch.

Break the monotony

Most days I love having an office job. I love having a desk, a computer, a phone that’s all mine and a set of daily tasks to complete at that desk of my very own. And besides, I don’t spend all of my day at that desk. Being a reporter allows for trips here and there, to and fro at random intervals, breaking the monotony of the day.

But generally speaking, I have an office job. And that’s cool with me. But some days I have an insatiable desire to be outdoors, outside of what feels like a cage closing in on me. I want to be guiding a safari or looking for pebbles in a creek bed or skipping through a field a-la Maria from The Sound of Music.

Some days feel just like the day before. Some hours the hand on the clock appears to be in the same position as it was before. Some articles read just like the articles I wrote before.

I wonder if Christiane Amanpour or Bono or the Queen of England ever get bored.

I want to go salsa dancing, sky diving, get a tattoo, stand under a giant waterfall, experience the vastness of the Grand Canyon.

Perhaps I can settle for something a little less grandiose. Just sing me a song or take me to the park or bring me an ice cream cone, stat.

Random

Spray tans may be a quick solution to extreme white-ness, but they are sticky, smell weird and make people ask the question: "What happened to your face?"

I miss the Redbone Alley in Sumter.

It's way too hot to be early June. Seriously, what's up?

I can't believe my little sister is graduating from high school. I feel so old.

I want to happen upon a great fortune.

T minus three days...

Till my birthday! The big 2-5. Hard to believe. Hard to believe 2008 is almost halfway over. Hard to believe the years are flying by. Hard to believe I'm hitting the quarter century mark.

I freakin' love birthdays. For serious. I mean really, what's better?

Learning

I've learned some valuable life lessons lately. I've truly begun to appreciate the power of patience and prayer. I kept trying for so long to force changes in my life, to force my next step. I finally realized that to be happy with the end results, you can't do that, but rather you have to wait for the chips to fall where they may. God's will is amazing and his plan for my life is so much more dependable, so much greater than my own plan.

I went through a spell of several months -- maybe as many as six months -- being dissatisfied at work. I stopped loving what I did. I stopped being satisfied with the fruits of my labor.

Then finally, within the past two or three months, I've experienced a shift. A shift in my thinking, in my peace, in my sense of trusting God. Simultaneously, I began enjoying what I have, enjoying life, enjoying work, and at the same time, seeing my work get better, my rewards get better. It's amazing how that works.

I truly starting loving my job again. In turn, my articles improved, my writing improved, the respect for my work improved.

And then, the reward of all rewards. I applied for a trip through Rotary's Group Study Exchange program. A trip that four people get to take this fall to England.

I interviewed a few weeks ago, and -- dun da dun -- was fortunate enough to snag one of the four slots! Watch out everybody -- Mary's going to England.

The program sends working professionals 25-40 to a foreign country to learn about their profession and to share information about what it's like back home. The trip will be five weeks, from the middle of September to the middle of October.

I am so very excited and feel truly blessed to land this exciting opportunity. Oh the doors that open when you just sit still for a bit and let the Lord do his work...

Big news

I'm going to England this fall!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary is...

I'm the girl who loves to laugh more than anything in the world.
I'm the girl who has moments of confusion.
I'm the girl who wants to be loved every minute, every day.
I'm the girl who loves pretty things -- pretty dresses, pretty shoes, pretty days, pretty smiles.
I'm the girl who writes to try to make sense of her thoughts.
I'm the girl who runs and plays and savors the park.
I'm the girl who wishes every day could be Christmas.
I'm the girl who hopes her pictures will come to life when she looks at them years from now.
I'm the girl who organizes and straightens and cleans and plans and worries.
I'm the girl who's frantic.
I'm the girl who hates it when a nail breaks.
I'm the girl who thinks she looks good in heels.
I'm the girl who thinks little compares to the feel of being in the sun.
I'm the girl who runs.
I'm the girl who talks too much.
I'm the girl who can't turn down sweet tea.
I'm the girl who gets taken to a different place and time when that song comes on.

Exhiliration

(My firsthand account of the Cooper River Bridge Run, as was published.)

Some people do it for the competition. Some do it to test their physical endurance. Some do it for the T-shirt. Others do it just to see if they can do it; I was one of those people.

The Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston has beckoned me year after year. And year after year, I answered its call with excuses. But this year, exactly two months before the 10k — or 6.2-mile — run, I decided I wanted to take part in the famous trek from Mount Pleasant, across the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge, to downtown Charleston.

Having lived in South Carolina for nearly 10 years now, it’s hard not to know about the Cooper River Bridge Run. It’s the most talked about, most hyped, perhaps the most prestigious race in the Palmetto State. This year marked its 31st anniversary.

Before I decided to do the Bridge Run, I guess it would be safe to say I was a casual runner. I have been running — well, jogging — off and on for the past couple years as a way to get outside and try to be a little healthier. But I knew this casual running thing wasn’t going to cut it when I made the decision to do the Bridge Run.

So I put myself on a two-month, fast-track plan to get ready. Each week, I made myself run about three to five days, increasing the distance I ran every week or so. I only reached the six-mile mark the week before the run.I’m lucky in that I live in the historic district, which boasts sidewalk after sidewalk along infrequently traveled streets that wind through neighborhoods of attractive homes, beautiful trees and parks. So that, coupled with my brand-spanking-new iPod, made running much less a chore and much more an enjoyable pastime.

As the days went by, I could feel myself getting stronger, and it became easier to run longer distances. And though I was still a little hesitant about the thought of actually getting out there with thousands of other runners, many of whom have been doing this a lot longer than I have, I started to feel a bit like a runner myself and that I might be able to do this thing.

A co-worker, who also happens to be one of my best friends, and I drove down to Charleston on Friday evening to stay the night. We woke up at the ripe hour of 5 a.m. and started getting ready, affixing our handy time-keeping chips to our shoes and our official race bibs to our shirts.

We got a ride to the starting point in Mount Pleasant, and for a brief moment I questioned my decision to sign up for the run. There we were, in the pitch-black dark of predawn, surrounded by thousands of people, so that we could expend virtually all our energy to run six miles to downtown Charleston. Surely, I thought to myself, there are better things to be doing at 6 a.m. and much easier ways to get from Mount Pleasant to downtown Charleston.

But then I regained my perspective and remembered those weren’t the points of this experience.After waiting about an hour-and-a-half in line for the run to begin, when the gun fired, all the reasons for doing it became clear. Being surrounded by all those people, everyone so full of energy, and knowing we all had the same goal in mind — there was something exhilarating about it.

I went into the run with only two goals: to finish and to run the whole way. I certainly didn’t have any false pretenses about being able to run fast and lock in an amazing run time.

So after the gun went off, I ran and I ran and I ran. I ran slowly — very slowly. Lots of people passed me. But I kept running. With each mile marker I passed, my excitement grew.

And when I finally passed the yellow sign noting the sixth mile, I knew I was in the home stretch. And then I had done it. It took me an hour and 20 minutes, but I had done it.

It was an hour and 20 minutes spent with about 40,000 of my closest friends, and it was worth it.

Return

I've been lax in posting. I've been lax in updating my regular, real-deal, pen-and-paper journal as well. I'll blame it on life being busy. Which it has, that's certainly no lie.

Work has been super busy lately, which in a way has been nice. My work woes have subsided some. I've had a sufficient workload that's kept me interested like I hadn't been in a while. And the new magazine project is more than I could have expected -- very exciting/rewarding.

Let's see...what else...there was St. Patty's Day which P and I celebrated in Savannah. And then last weekend, there was the Bridge Run. I've been wanting to do it for years and I finally mustered up the moxy to do it this year. SO worth it.

Now, I'm sitting here listening to some very sad sounding twangy country music, which is probably not the best cure for recovering from the sadness that follows watching Terms of Endearment.

Cont.

There really are times in my life when I wish I had a crystal ball and could see even just a teensy weensy bit into the future. Or that a neon bar sign would drop from the sky, flashing "do ___!" and tell me exactly what I'm supposed to do. Or that I had abilities with my mind to decipher how every scenario from every decision I might make would unfold. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and there are so many forks in the path. Forks this way and that way and this way and that way. And I just don't know which one to take. How do you know which path is right? They're all going to have consequences. Some of those consequences will be better than others. Some will be worse. That's the tricky part; there's no way to know the consequences, the repercussions, the fallout from taking each different path before us. We can only choose one. I guess I need to stop being scared, stop stalling and just pick one. Delaying my future isn't helping my cause any.

Signs

I need a sign to tell me what to do, to show me the way.

I need a sign...

Where to go from here...

Ever feel so ready for a change you can hardly stand it? It's a terrible feeling. The feeling of entrapment, of being able to go nowhere. I feel that way right now. I keep searching for my next career step, searching, searching, searching. And not finding it. I'm so frustrated.

Let it snow

Well the season's first "wintry mix" is upon us. Supposedly only north of here is there going to be a chance of any real snow, but a girl can hope! I feel like doing a snow dance and praying to the snow gods. I want snow! Is that too much to ask? Ya know, I love living in the South, and I love the great weather, and I would never want to live somewhere where it was cold all the time or snowed all winter long, but for crying out loud, I'd like at least a good snow or two a year. I mean, c'mon. Seriously. White stuff. An accumulation of it. To build snowmen and snow angels and throw snowballs. Ahh...

Random thoughts right now

There's a possibility of a wintry mix in a couple of days. My weather people do not need to taunt me. I love snow. I want snow.

I accomplished a small feat this weekend: I made a yellow cake from scratch. Doesn't sound that big? Oh but it is. I LOVE to bake. Love, love, love it. And I make everything from scratch. Except for yellow cakes. Everybody knows when a birthday cake is what's needed, you get a box. A cake from a box is ALWAYS the way to go. Always moist and delightful. But, I wanted to prove to myself I could make one. So I made one. And I made a cream cheese pound cake. Two yummy birthday cakes for Patrick's 26th. AND? Both turned out great. I was so excited.

I want to write for a magazine. I want to write a novel. I want to write for the rest of my life. I want to be an accomplished writer. I want people to know who I am.

New Year

It really is hard to believe it's now 2008. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a stellar year.

In '07 I really got to do some things I've been wanting to do. I honed my skills in the kitchen big time. I became a better, more diverse cook. I increased my love for baking (and my repertoire!). I think overall I started eating a bit healthier.

I continued exercising and running, thought not to the extent that I would like.

Perhaps most exciting for me, I really really dove back into reading. I've always considered myself a reader, but I'd definitely strayed from regular reading, and I was missing it. I read some great stuff: The Kite Runner, To Kill a Mockingbird, We the Living. I've regained my thirst for books.

This year, there are several things I'd like to see happen. But whenever you start playing the planning game, life has a funny way of changing course. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what life holds in store.