I surrender all

Even though I believe and know in my heart that I must hand everything over to God, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I want to try to take care of the things going on in my life. Sometimes I want to be proactive, make decisions, be a do-er, a problem-solver.

I have to constantly remind myself that God is in control, and that God being in control is way, way better than what life would be like if I were in control. If I took the reins, my life would be a mess.

But letting go, making a conscious decision to hand a problem, a grief, a burden over to the Lord and ask him to deal with it isn't easy for me.

I often mistakenly feel like I know what's best for me and try to act accordingly. Instead of taking my problems into my own hands, I need to learn to ask for guidance, ask for the words and actions the Lord wants me to impart.

Lord, today I ask you, please take this from me. I no longer want it. I surrender it wholly and completely to you. Do with it what you will. Do with me what you will.

Have me speak and do the things that are your will and that glorify you.

Trying to make sense of the nonsensical

Sometimes I wonder if life is ever supposed to make sense. I find myself concluding that it's not. Which is tough for me, because I like things to make sense. I like to plan, schedule, figure everything out, understand the points, the purposes, the hows, the whys. But the more I experience in this crazy little thing called life, I realize we're not intended to figure it all out. Life is supposed to be a little mysterious. Life is supposed to be fluid, to catch us by surprise.

So it seems I must say 'so long' to my map, my compass, my crystal ball, my magic decoder.

It's a tough lesson to learn, but I know I'm learning it. I know with each day that goes by, I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm becoming more willing to to appreciate the enigma of life.

Stuff that makes me happy

Pouring it out

I’m past the nonstop crying. I’m past the point where I can’t talk about it without erupting into tears. I’m past the point of where it invades my every thought.

But I’m not very far past those points. I still want to cry. I still can’t keep my thoughts on other things for very long.

It’s amazing how difficult a process it is to separate yourself from someone. But it is. How do you go from being “us” to being “me?”

I want him to comfort me. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be all right. I want him to make it better. But he’s the one person who can’t.

I don’t know how to be alone.

Waiting

They say time heals everything. I hope that's true.

Randomness

My wonderful roommate is engaged! I'm so excited! Rick proposed to Mel on Sunday, the day after Mel's twin sister Kate's wedding. This past weekend was wedding-themed for sure. Patrick and I attended two weddings on Saturday, and then Mel and Rick capped the weekend off with the big proposal on the beach and the BEAUTIFUL ring.

I really could watch Friends every day and never grow tired of it. Right now I'm on Season 5, following the wedding drama of Ross saying the wrong name. Aaahhh, good stuff.

It's only June and it's already entirely too hot. It's getting in the way of me running as regularly as I should.

I'm nearly done with the book I've been reading forever. Ugh, I can't wait to move onto something else.

I tried to post this when it was actually raining, but failing Internet wouldn't allow it

I love the sound of rain.

I love the sound of rain almost more than any other. For me, it's therapeutic, it's reassuring. I love a steady, pounding rain that pours down as though it'll never end. I love the sound as the rain, indistinguishable as individual drops, hits the roof, the trees, the blacktop.

I don't know why exactly, but it's comforting to me. I feel safe at home with the world being showered outside. The wind picking up. The sound of thunder in the distance. The sound of water splashing.

It's like a cleansing breath. The rain washes away the dirt, the grime, the sins, the mistakes of the day. It’s renewal.