Blurring the lines

I like right angles. Straight lines. Symmetry. I like cleanliness, neatness, order. I often see the world in black and white and forget about the shades of gray. I shy away from messy, from chaos, from the uncertain.

I like pattern and predictability and consistency.

And yet, I'm starting to realize that the times I've felt most alive are when I allowed myself to draw outside the lines, to forget about structure and order.

The moments aren't always pretty or pristine but they've left a stamp imprinted deeply in my soul that leaves me starving for more.

...The nights I forgot what time it was and let the minutes slip away with friends and conversation and wild ideas.

...Surfing over a sea of hands, loud music blaring all around me.

...Saying the words that were oh-so-hard to articulate but unarguably necessary.

...Leaving the familiar behind and traveling to another country with four strangers for a month.

...Driving and driving and driving away, not really sure why, but loving every minute of it.

...Letting go of the rules and going for it.

...Standing on a stage, hundreds of people in front of me, watching, waiting.

...Entering a room, alone and scared but knowing what's on the other side will be worth it.

...Running all those miles with all those people until there was hardly any air left in my lungs.

...Reconnecting, even when it was painful.

...Shouldering a responsibility I doubted I could handle and proving to myself and the rest of the world that I could do it and do it well.

...Saying to your face all the things I needed to say.

...Not caring what anyone thinks.

Snowww

The world is white outside. It's beautiful. The earth, the trees, the shrubs, the houses, the automobiles, all burried under soft white powder. Snow covers things that are normal or ordinary or ugly and transforms them into works of art. The world is beautiful when it's painted white.

Snow hides the plain, the not pretty, the transgressions, and suddenly, magically, all is right with the world.

Accomplishments

What I have accomplished thus far this week:
-Got a hair cut.
-Found yet another super spiffy used bookstore.
-Put a good dent in C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity."
-Found a junkyard about 25 minutes away that would give me a new rim to replace the one I bent when my tire blew out on the interstate the other day. (I felt very brave doing this by myself. This counts as like two things accomplished this week.)
-Filled a couple trashcans with snotty tissues.
-Applied for a couple of really cool sounding jobs.
-Daydreamed about working at Rolling Stone (as usual) -- the ultimate really cool sounding job.
-Beat my own best soccer and ski slalom scores on the Wii fit. Started doing yogo on there as well.

I am seriously productive, people.

Depression is starting to set in

I knew it would only be a matter of time before I started to doubt my self worth and wonder at my inability to become employed. Well, apparently four-ish weeks is sufficient.

The first week of joblessness was filled with Melanie-related wedding activities. The second week was oh-so-restful. The third I got lots accomplished and relished at being able to read a book whenever the hell I wanted to. The fourth, well, things started to get boring.

I am sick of job search sites and classifieds. I am sick of television. I am sick of wearing my PJs. Who knew that was even possible?

To my credit, I HAVE driven to see friends, finished several books, supplemented my wardrobe with some frivolous shopping and discovered some nifty used bookstores.

But seriously, I'm starting to go through job withdrawals. Somebody please hire me, ASAP.

Crystal clear

You know how sometimes in life you experience those moments of clarity? Through the rush of all the other chaos-laden moments, once in a while, a moment breaks free in which you can see something with certainty. You can see your future or you can see the outcome of a current situation or you can see the pitfalls of a bad decision or you can see through another person. Those moments of clarity make it all worthwhile.

When life tends to be one muddled, confusing script that I can't often decipher, I live for those moments when it all makes sense. Those moments that come fleetingly when I'm driving nowhere on a blue-sky day or when I'm sweating through another run or when I'm engrossed in a song.

I don't have it all figured out. I hope I never do. Life's too entertaining in all its uncertainty. But -- at least for this moment -- I feel better about where it's taking me.

Diggin' it

I bought some kick-ass CDs yesterday, feeding an addiction to music that's been latent lately but still yearning for some great tunes. I bought Zac Brown Band, Jason Mraz, The Fray, the Juno soundtrack and Beyonce -- sort of an odd assortment, I know. I like to think my music collection and tastes are a reflection of an eclectic personality. I like to think it means I'm deep.

Yeah, whatever...

I didn't even know until recently that I dug some Jason Mraz, but man I do. And Zac Brown has been a guilty pleasure here lately, but after listening to the CD I'm thinking of removing the guilty label. Juno's one of my fav movies and I've wanted the soundtrack forever. Not sure what took me so long to get it. The Fray is a mainstay for me. And seriously, don't judge me for digging some Beyonce. I have never been a B. fan, but lately, I don't know what's happened. I can't stop singing along to "If I Were a Boy," "Halo" and "Put a Ring on It." Seriously, whatever.

I hate

Pastrami and bologna and pepperoni and, well, most meat.
Long lines.
People who are fake.
Traffic.
Mushrooms.
Not knowing the outcome.
Pretenses and facades and coverups for who and what we really are.
Sad endings.
Losing touch. Forgetting.